


A Silver Lining

by serafina19



Series: Let me in [4]
Category: The Gifted (TV 2017)
Genre: F/M, Spoilers for S2
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-01
Updated: 2018-10-01
Packaged: 2019-07-20 23:55:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,519
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16148225
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/serafina19/pseuds/serafina19
Summary: When they get back after their latest attempt to find Lorna, everyone except John heads back to their respective rooms. It’s a familiar routine, one that Clarice realizes has to change. Takes place just after 2x01.





	A Silver Lining

**Author's Note:**

> After finishing "Deep Burn Blue," I watched the premiere the other day and couldn't get this idea out of my head, so I sat down and wrote it today. I'll probably regret posting this the same day as I started this, but I wanted to post it before the next episode, in case the show has its own version of this scene.

It didn’t surprise her when John said that he’d be up in a minute after turning off the car. At this point, everyone knew the routine of what happened after they came up short in finding the people they had lost, but knowing that they were this close, Clarice didn’t want to leave him alone.

However, from the moment Marcos left the vehicle, she knew it was going to be a losing battle. They had a guest at their place, so even if she convinced him to come upstairs, John would clam up the moment he opened the door. She also knew that he was taking this hard, especially after seeing Marcos’ reaction and the last time she tried to intervene, he took out his anger on Clarice and left anyway.

In true John fashion, he had apologized profusely the day after and told her it would never happen again, but that wasn’t what she wanted. Most days, he was his usual, lovable self, but their lives hadn't changed. Their had their share of tough days and she understood him wanting privacy sometimes but he never confided in her the way she had confided in him, especially since they got together. That was fine for most things, but not for something like this. Not when all he'd say was, "It's okay Clarice," like it was supposed to fix the fact that some of his closest friends had abandoned the cause he fought for and despite their efforts, they couldn't find them. Even if they did, there was no way to know if they could convince everyone to come back. That never stopped them though, which is why they all scrambled in the car earlier and why John now felt guilty about not being able to find Lorna after the power grid went down, causing his best friend to be on the verge of breaking. In other words, things were anything but okay.

Clarice felt tempted to tell him that, but settled on, “Just stay safe, okay?” 

After he gave her a short nod, Clarice got out of the car and caught up on Marcos, knowing that someone should keep an eye on him since the Struckers were already inside. Marcos was mostly silent as they went in the building and went upstairs. In fact, the only thing that he said was that he didn’t need to be babysat. They both knew the reason Clarice was there though, so he let her follow him and he bid her goodnight before slamming the door behind him.

As she heard him step away from the door, Clarice waited for anything drastic. A scream, something breaking, an especially bright light. She had seen it all these past few months, but she’d rather avoid portalling into his apartment tonight, so she crossed her fingers, hoping for the best. When all seemed quiet, she headed to her apartment, hoping that Cristina was getting some sleep. At least the main light was off and Zingo was quiet, so that was a good start considering they had left pretty quickly earlier.

Clarice lifted her hand to the doorknob, but paused as she remembered the day they moved in.

This apartment wasn’t much, but it was a place to call home and it was nice to know that they were staying in one spot for a bit of time. In a lot of ways, this was about embracing a new phase for the Underground. While there was desperation to repair their fractured team, overall, things had gotten a lot better and they had made progress on many fronts. When it came to her life, things were oddly steady, which had made her nervous when she first opened the door. It shouldn’t have, because for months, she had forgotten what privacy really felt like, so having a place to share with John should have excited her. Still, Clarice had felt apprehensive because things were really good between them. In her experience, that was when things went wrong. Not to mention there were still things he didn't know about her.

But the moment he had dropped the bags in the middle of the room, he had turned to her and smiled. Clarice shook her head, as she could use that smile right now, but tonight's frustration was earned, not just for him, but for everyone. Unfortunately, that meant she couldn’t handle the words that always echoed in her mind when she stood here.

_"Our little burrow."_

He had said it to get a smile on her face, which worked at the time, almost any other time but right now. The word choice was quite deliberate, she enjoyed that about him. It wasn't accurate, but that word meant something to them and the pronoun meant something to her.

As she continued to stand there, she leaned her head against the door, letting out a long sigh. She couldn't do this anymore. It didn't matter that his routine often didn't take long, that no one ever got hurt, including John. This wasn't working for anyone and if they were really going to be a team, something had to change.

She portalled to the roof, hoping the fresh air would help her find the words she needed to say before approaching John about this. As she took in a deep breath, Clarice walked over the edge, curling her fingers around the brick wall. It was colder than she remembered, but she didn’t have time to grab a coat earlier, so she let the cold, humid air blow against her. She closed her eyes, reminding her of Marcos' reaction when the power went out. His cries had affected everyone, but there was nothing more to be done, no more trail to track. John rose to action first, as he gave his best friend a hug before taking the keys so they could drive back. In hindsight, Clarice should have done that, but she realized too late the frustration that laid beneath the surface. Unfortunately, it had crept in whenever they encountered a stupid driver. Each time, John yelled out, while Marcos sat quietly in the passenger seat.

She said nothing then, just like she typically did because there was only so much she could do. She could only say so much about Lorna, Andy, Sage or the others since she didn’t know them that well. There was only so much her powers could do, as she couldn’t just portal them there, no matter how many times Marcos asked. But she wished she could and hated the fact that she couldn’t. Maybe if she could, if she was stronger, things would be better.

It was stupid, but she was also frustrated, worried and tired, so she felt the tears start to come to her eyes. As she turned around, slowly realizing that this talk would have to wait after all, the door creaked open. Of course, John walked through, but stilled upon seeing her. It took about two seconds for his expression to change completely and run to her.

“Clarice, what’s wrong?”

This was the last thing she needed to happen right now, as it didn't take much for him to shift his focus to helping someone else and making them feel better. However, as she was about to push the last of her tears back, she looked up at his eyes and realized something.

“It’s never enough, is it?” she said. “It doesn’t matter what we do, how much I train, I can’t do enough. When you guys need the portals the most, I can’t do it.”

“Hey,” he said, putting his hand on her arm, “no one expects you to be a miracle worker.” She tried to ignore the details of his appearance, as it was clear that he didn’t just stay in the car this time. Every now and then, he needed a physical outlet for his frustration, but since that wasn’t the easiest thing for him to do, the results were hard to hide.

On the plus side, he had listened to her. If he was already coming up to the roof to cool down, he hadn’t gone far, so she took the little victory and looked up at his eyes again, which he seemed to be waiting for. “Everyone has their limitations, Clarice.”

Wow, that was easier than she thought. She sniffed once, wiping her right eye as she continued to look at him. “Exactly,” she said, her voice steady. “ _Everyone_ has their limitations.”

John dropped his hand and took a step back. “What’s going on?”

Clarice shook her head, as there wasn’t an easy answer to that question. This felt like it was a long time coming, but this wasn’t how she had hoped to do this. She swallowed hard, knowing that there was no going back now. “You do realize that your abilities also have limitations, right?”

Slowly, the compassion that was in his eyes disappeared. This was what she wanted, but Clarice braced herself for the worst. “This is what I do, Clarice, I track people. If I can’t do that, then –”

“Then what are you doing?” she suggested, somehow managing to keep her voice calm, but she couldn’t stop herself from raising an eyebrow. It didn’t take John long to scoff in response to tell her that she was right. “Don’t tell me you’ve forgotten about the second chances and the hope that you bring to the people we save from Sentinel Services?” 

“If I can’t find Lorna, who’s like a sister to me,” John countered, as she suspected. “If I can’t find her, then how can I walk into our apartment and …”

It hurt to hear the way that his voice trailed, the way his eyes peered towards the door. Clarice started to wonder if he had come up here for the same reasons that she had. “Cristina will understand. Once he cools down, Marcos will too.” She took a step back to lean against the brick. “But we have a deal, John. You see what happens when you keep this in.”

He took a step towards her, his apology in his eyes before he spoke. “I told you I was sorry.”

She believed him then and she believed him now, but that wasn’t enough anymore. There were faults on both sides in their relationship, but right now, they could do more about the ones on his side. If she went downstairs without doing something, she wouldn’t sleep. That would mean that he wouldn’t sleep either and that was detrimental to the team.

While she had no idea what she was doing, Clarice sat down and patted the spot next to her. “Prove it.”

He eyed her, silently asking if she was serious, so she patted the spot again. This time, he obliged her, but he stared ahead as he sat down. “What do you want to say? That I’m tired of hitting dead ends? That even though we were probably the closest we’ve ever been to finding them, I couldn’t find them?”

“That’s a good start,” she said, tempted to add that the frustration was understandable, maybe even healthy, but she bit her tongue when his head dipped.

“Clarice, I feel like I failed them.”

It probably wasn’t the best call to touch him, but Clarice couldn’t help it. That was what she was waiting for, so she reached across and lifted his chin with her fingers. “I may not know them well, but I know you haven’t,” she said. “No matter how many times we come up empty, you keep trying to find them, even though you know that's only the first part of what it's going to take to bring them back.” Clarice dropped her hand, grateful to see that he kept looking at her. “You want to know how to fail them? If you quit fighting or–”

“I’m not giving up on them,” he interjected confidently. It was an interruption that she would take. John had a quiet passion about him, but it was good to see that part was still present.

Still, she had to show that she was worried for a reason. “ _Or_ if you let this anger blind you.”

She watched him blink a couple of times, averting his gaze from her to the door. “Do you think that’s happening?” he said softly.

“No,” she replied immediately. “But I see it happening with Marcos and you still haven’t talked with him yet.” She had hoped to avoid bringing this up again, but until John did it, things might continue to get worse. What happened to Caitlin was a close call, something that she hoped wouldn’t happen again any time soon.

John leaned his head back to rest against the brick. “I’m not sure what to say to him right now.”

That was a good point, which made Clarice wish that she was better at this. Some of the kids she could fool from time to time, the people like Cristina who came and went from the Underground. John and Marcos had heard it all, they had said it all, so anything she said felt pointless.

That was when she remembered the last time she relied on someone else’s words for advice. Maybe that could work again. “Tell him to tap into something positive.”

John scoffed again. “Seriously?”

She couldn't blame him for having that reaction, but she had her reasons for bringing that up. “It worked with me, didn’t it?”

“Except,” he said, clearly unconvinced, “shortly after I gave you that advice, you left. And last I checked, it had nothing to do with the reason you came back.”

“Technically, you’re right,” she replied, knowing that he would want to further his point, so she quickly added hers. “It was initially because I had failed Carl and Denise.”

“That wasn’t your fault.”

“Then this isn’t your fault,” she fired back with a bit more hostility in her voice than she would have liked, but she hoped that it would help him believe her. Of course he wouldn’t because she didn’t believe him either. This subject was still a sore spot, but Clarice knew that to get John to open up, sometimes, she had to give a little back.

“Okay, screw the blame game, I didn’t pull the trigger, you didn’t cause the power outage. That doesn’t really matter right now,” she said. “You’re right, I came back because of what happened to them. I came back ready to fight because I was angry. Then I remembered what you had done since I arrived at headquarters and what you did to bring me back.”

John’s head had jerked back, which meant that he hadn’t expected that shift. Good. “Whenever I feel like I’m losing myself or when I’m breaking down, you’ve been the person to help me get through the worst of it, even if it’s just your words.”

Clarice noticed one of his hands on the floor, so she grabbed it. His skin was much warmer than hers, so before she had a chance to squeeze it, John lifted his other hand to warm it. After a minute, he brought her other hand closer and held her hands together in his.

As she looked up at him, he said, “You know that’s not going to change, right?”

She did, but that was only if he took proper care of himself. “Then maybe remember that I’m here for you too. That’s why I came to you after the funeral.” Even then, she could tell his methods weren't working, but despite his agreement that day, nothing had changed. That was partially her fault, as she waited until now to push the issue, but that was because she had hoped he would have trusted her sooner. “I know you don’t want me to see it, but I can handle it. Even if I don’t know what to do or say, I can tell you what to fight for or give you a few positive things to tap into.”

It didn’t take long for her hands to warm up, so she shifted them slightly. That caused John to move his hands away, but she made sure to grab onto one, not ready to relieve that contact entirely. As they continued to sit there, Clarice warmed at the way that his thumb stroked up and down her palm.

“For me,” she said, “I know there are other Carls and Denises out there, kids who need their help. We haven’t failed them yet, but they need us more than ever.” 

That probably wasn’t going to work for John or Marcos, but she said it hoping it would give her enough time to find something else. The problem was that Clarice didn’t see too many good days in Lorna and Marcos’ relationship. It was clear they loved each other, but they mostly yelled at each other or were focused on the mission when she saw them.

Luckily, she did remember one potentially important detail, along with something that just crossed her mind. “I heard that Lorna saved Marcos from a dark place, maybe there’s something there for him. I mean, did anyone tell him that the power might have gone out because the baby was delivered?”

John might have answered her question if she had waited, but Clarice was still looking at their hands, so she pressed on. “For you, I… I wish I knew. Maybe it’s finding Cristina's sister. I know we hit a dead end today, but that’s never stopped us before. You found me after all. Twice.”

She sighed, letting her hand slip out of John’s, wishing that she had handled this better. This was supposed to be her way of telling him to open up, but instead, she just kept rambling like an idiot. "I’m sorry,” she said, covering her face with her hands momentarily. As she exhaled, she closed her eyes and rested her hands on her lap. “I just wanted you to know that you don't have to hide your frustration from me. I'm not going any—”

Clarice stopped talking when she felt him touch her arm again. Each touch was light and it never lasted long, but he kept doing it, so she turned to face him, trying to figure out what he was doing.

As if he was reading her mind, which would have been welcome in this case, he said, “I probably wasn’t supposed to take the advice literally, but I thought I’d give it a shot.”

She couldn’t help it. She laughed once and shook her head. “You’re such a dork.”

“Maybe,” he said just as a devious smile came across his face. “While we’re on the subject of my advice, I believe I also said something about holding onto the things we care about most.”

Before she had a chance to reply, he moved his arm behind her head and used it to pull her whole body closer to him. She let out a yelp, but when her back collided with his chest, they both started laughing. It felt so strange to be laughing after what they went through, but they clearly needed it.

Once the silence returned, John said, “For what it’s worth, I’m sorry if you think I’m shutting you out.”

Clarice grinned, even though he couldn’t see it. “It’s not the end of the world, I just don’t want you to think you’re alone in this. If you need to yell, you can yell at me because there's nothing that you can do or say that will scare me off. If anything, I’ll dish it out as hard as you will.”

He chuckled. “I’d expect nothing less.”

“And if you need to punch a wall,” she said, tracing the knuckles on his hand with her fingertips, “I can help you fix it afterwards.”

“Hopefully it doesn’t come to that again, but duly noted,” he said, using his other hand to rub against her arm to warm her up. “How did Marcos seem inside?”

“I don’t know,” she replied. He seemed better than she thought he would be, but that could change on a dime and she wasn’t about to guess one way or the other.

Still, she was tempted to say more, but that stopped as she felt John lean his head down to say, “I’ll talk to him tomorrow.”

“Thank you,” Clarice said with a sigh. Even though she had heard that story before, after what happened tonight, this particular conversation, she had a feeling that she could trust it a bit more this time. As she leaned her head against his chest, she felt him move a bit behind her so he could embrace her a bit more comfortably.

Once they were settled, he pressed a kiss to the top of her head. “I know you’re cold, but is it okay if we keep sitting here for a few minutes before we go back to our burrow?”

She wanted to tell John that it wasn’t a burrow, just like she had the day they moved in, but she could practically hear his smile, so instead, she grinned. “Sure.”

 

**~End~**


End file.
